a truly universal remote


1. the "on" button
The simplest button, the one everyone presses before the fun begins. The on button simply turns the target on. Depending on your settings this can be as abrupt as a 0-100 erection or slow and subtle like a dimmer switch. If you've ever wanted to inflict arousal on someone or just want to see them in the mood, start here.
2. fast forward
Uh-huh, yeah, we've seen this before, skip this bit.
3. pause
Is everything going too fast? Are there too many pesky people that may see you? Go ahead and hit that pause button. Everything around you will stop, letting you do whatever you like to them. How the main subject experiences this seems to differ... some are unaffected, allowing for no-consequence public sex. Others are frozen but feel everything happening to them. A rare subset don't feel anything until "play" is selected again where they feel everything all at once.
4. volume control
Is your partner getting too loud? Go ahead and slam the volume settings down so no one hears those cries of pleasure (or pain?). Or, if your partner is embarrassed about the sounds they make, why not heighten that sensation by making even the smallest squeak something loud and proud?
5. "input"
6. change the channel
WEIRD PLACES TO BONE


TIER 1
a. public restroom
b. changing room
c. car
d. school1
TIER 2
a. mile high club
b. just off the road
c. parents' house
d. restaurant2
TIER 3
a. in your dreams
b. the dmv
c. amusement park ride
d. storm shelter
TIER 4
a. international space station
b. secret service agency
c.
d. the apocalyptic wasteland of a society destroyed by greedy capitalists



1 let's be real, if you're a student? this one isn't weird at all. come back when you're having sex in someone else's school. or a preschool. students fucking in school, how original.
2 yes an IHOP might be classier than a Denny's but how much difference are we really talking here?

Other resources that may help:
Random location generator
COITALVIRUS
an infectious sex disease


General Symptoms Include:
-Intensely high libido. Infectees desire sex above even food or drink.
-Increased sensitivity to sexual contact. Infectees report more orgasms on average (or higher quality).
-Lowered standards for sexual partners, whether physically or mentally.


Rarely Reported Symptoms:
-Increase in size of sexual organs.
-Increased production of sexual fluids, addictive properties.



1. Patient Zero - The first person to show infection is always the most dangerous. What you think might be a desperate slut could actually be more than you bargained for...
2. Medical Treatment - Don't worry, someone here is a doctor. Probably.
3. Pharmacy
4. Quarantine - Stay safe and stay home! Hope you don't have sexual tension with your roommate!
5. Carrier - Whether you know it or not, you're a carrier of the disease. You don't show any symptoms but, for some reason, everyone around you is succumbing to the infection! Is this a blessing or a curse?

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